One of My Favorite Things: Quotes for Dealing with Shame, Guilt, and Regret

“The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The second-best time is today.”

This is one of my favorite quotes to share with clients who are struggling with regret, shame, or guilt — feelings we all experience at some point in life. We can’t go back and rewrite the past, and the future is never guaranteed. All we truly have is this present moment. So I often ask, What regrets are weighing you down? Are you stuck in the “If only…” cycle? Instead of staying stuck, what can you do today?

Living in the Past?

Believe me, I get it. I’ve spent time stuck in my own past. I’ve felt the heavy weight of regret over my sexual history and how it shaped my view of intimacy. I’ve had moments in my marriage I wish I could take back — moments where I was controlling, cold, or distant. And as a mom of four boys, I’ve carried more than my share of “mom guilt.” Thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have been so rigid,” or “I should’ve laughed more, played more,” have echoed through my mind.

When our thoughts are filled with “shoulds,” it’s often a sign that shame has crept in. But there’s a difference between shame and guilt — and it matters.
Shame says, “I am a mistake.”
True guilt says, “I made a mistake.”

Shame attacks our identity. Guilt points to actions — things that can be acknowledged, confessed, and even redeemed.

One of my favorite scriptures speaks directly to this process:

“Confess your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” – James 5:16

Fighting Shame with Vulnerability

Brené Brown reminds us that the antidote to shame is vulnerability. When we choose to speak our regrets out loud — to a trusted friend, counselor, pastor, or mentor — the shame begins to lose its grip.

When my boys were growing up, I’d sometimes say to them, “I know I’m not a perfect mom. How have I hurt you?” It wasn’t easy to ask, but I wanted to give them space to be honest. I would rather hear their hurt than let resentment fester in silence. It was my way of planting a new tree — one rooted in humility and love.

What Can You Do Today?
If guilt, shame, or regret have been weighing you down, here are a few steps you can take to move forward:

• Accept that you can’t change the past. This can be hard, but it’s the first step to freedom.
• Distinguish between shame and guilt. Let go of false guilt and stop your “stinking thinking.”
• Do the next right thing. Start a conversation. Say, “I know I haven’t been perfect. How have I hurt you?”
• Walk through a process of confession and forgiveness. I’ll be sharing more about my Brick model in a future post to help with this.
• Create a plan for change. Pay attention to your patterns and decide how you want to respond differently moving forward.
• Find support. Reach out to someone safe. You don’t have to carry your burdens alone.
• Receive forgiveness. God’s grace is available — always.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:9

You Can Find Freedom

No matter how many years have passed, you can plant a tree today. You can take a new step. You can find healing and hope. Shame and regret don’t have to define you. If you would like to meet with me or another ALCS therapist to support you in that process, please contact our office. I’m cheering you on as you take your next step toward freedom!

Take Care,
Carolyn