My Favorite Things: “Bricks” — A Model for Confession and Forgiveness
When we hurt someone, it’s easy to feel stuck in guilt—or unsure how to make things right. In this post, ALCS therapist Carolyn Dixon, LCSW shares a simple but powerful framework for confession and forgiveness that can help repair relationships and restore connection—even in the midst of imperfection.
Relational pain is a part of life. As much as we might wish otherwise, we will hurt people—and be hurt by them. Because of that, one of the most important skills we can learn is how to repair the inevitable ruptures that happen in relationships.
In my previous post, I talked about the difference between true guilt (“I made a mistake”) and false guilt or shame (“I am a mistake”). This post focuses on what we do with true guilt—and how it can actually lead to deeper connection.
It is such a gift to realize that when we make a mistake, we don’t have to lose the relationship. Through confession and forgiveness, we can actually grow closer.
I learned this years ago while working with youth, when I unintentionally upset a parent. As we walked through this process together, I experienced something deeply freeing: even in my imperfection, I could remain connected. I didn’t have to be perfect to repair the relationship.
What a gift.
In my previous post, I talked about the difference between true guilt (“I made a mistake”) and false guilt or shame (“I am a mistake”). This post focuses on what we do with true guilt—and how it can actually lead to deeper connection.
It is such a gift to realize that when we make a mistake, we don’t have to lose the relationship. Through confession and forgiveness, we can actually grow closer.
I learned this years ago while working with youth, when I unintentionally upset a parent. As we walked through this process together, I experienced something deeply freeing: even in my imperfection, I could remain connected. I didn’t have to be perfect to repair the relationship.
What a gift.
The Bricks and Backpacks Analogy
When I talk about relational hurt, I often use this image:
I imagine that each of us walks around carrying an invisible backpack.
When I hurt you, I put a brick in your backpack—and a brick in mine.
If we want to repair the relationship, we both have to be willing to take out our bricks.
When we address the hurt through confession and forgiveness, the weight begins to lift, and connection can be rebuilt.
I actually keep a real brick in my office for this conversation. Each side is labeled 1 through 4, representing the steps below.
I imagine that each of us walks around carrying an invisible backpack.
When I hurt you, I put a brick in your backpack—and a brick in mine.
If we want to repair the relationship, we both have to be willing to take out our bricks.
(Of course, there are situations where the other person is unwilling or unable to engage—that’s an important conversation for another time.)
When we address the hurt through confession and forgiveness, the weight begins to lift, and connection can be rebuilt.
I actually keep a real brick in my office for this conversation. Each side is labeled 1 through 4, representing the steps below.
Four Steps to Confession
(With the hope of leading to forgiveness)
1. Identify the Problem
- Be specific about what happened.
- If you are taking responsibility for your temper, name the behaviors: slamming a door, shutting down, yelling, cussing, or screaming.
- Specificity builds trust.
2. Acknowledge Feelings
Name the possible emotional impact:
Name the possible emotional impact:
“You may have felt hurt, confused, or unloved. Is that right? What else did you feel?”
This step communicates:I want to understand your experience—not just explain mine.
3. Own Your Actions
This is the most important step.
Offer empathy:
“I’m sorry that you felt ___.”
Take responsibility:
“I was wrong for ___.”
Express a plan for change:
“I want to respond differently next time, and here’s how I’m working toward that…”
This is where repentance happens—a true turning—and where restitution begins, having a heart that wants to make things right. It requires understanding why you acted the way you did, and creating a plan for change. While we cannot control others, we can take responsibility for ourselves.
This is the most important step.
Offer empathy:
“I’m sorry that you felt ___.”
Take responsibility:
“I was wrong for ___.”
Express a plan for change:
“I want to respond differently next time, and here’s how I’m working toward that…”
This is where repentance happens—a true turning—and where restitution begins, having a heart that wants to make things right. It requires understanding why you acted the way you did, and creating a plan for change. While we cannot control others, we can take responsibility for ourselves.
4. Ask for Forgiveness
Humbly ask:
Humbly ask:
“Will you forgive me?”
The Choice to Forgive—or Not
If Forgiveness Is Given
In the brick analogy, both bricks shatter.
Forgiveness means:
Forgiveness does not mean:
In the brick analogy, both bricks shatter.
Forgiveness means:
- Not holding it against the person: "I won't bring it up again during conflict."
- Choosing forgiveness repeatedly: "If I'm reminded of it, I'll forgive again."
- Releasing revenge: "I won't seek to get even."
- Accepting reality: "I don't like what happened, but I cannot change it."
- Recognizing sincerity: "You seem genuinely repentant."
Forgiveness does not mean:
- Forgetting what happened
- Letting go of healthy boundaries
- Automatically restoring trust
(Trust is rebuilt when agreements are kept - over time.)
- Reconciliation
(You may forgive someone without continuing the relationship.)
If Forgiveness Is Not Given
In this case, the original brick remains—and the other person carries even more weight (they take on my brick).
At that point, I have done everything I can. I cannot change the past, and the future hasn't happened yet. What remains is this moment.
There can be peace in knowing you’ve taken responsibility and done the next right thing—even when the outcome isn’t what you hoped.
In this case, the original brick remains—and the other person carries even more weight (they take on my brick).
At that point, I have done everything I can. I cannot change the past, and the future hasn't happened yet. What remains is this moment.
My response becomes one of compassion:
“I see that you’re still hurting, and I’m willing to walk through this again whenever you’re ready.”
There can be peace in knowing you’ve taken responsibility and done the next right thing—even when the outcome isn’t what you hoped.
Common Ways We Place “Bricks” in Relationship Backpacks
You may recognize some of these:
- Criticism or lack of gratitude
- Broken promises or dishonesty
- Disrespect (yelling, sarcasm, mocking)
- Emotional withdrawal or ignoring
- Harshness or selfishness
- Discounting feelings or rejecting vulnerability
Awareness is the first step toward repair.
When we begin to notice and address these “bricks,” something shifts. The weight we’ve been carrying—sometimes without realizing it—begins to lift. Relationships feel lighter, more honest, and more connected.
It is never too late to do the next right thing.
It is never too late to do the next right thing.
A Final Word of Faith
As Christians, it can be helpful to walk through this process with God before approaching the person we’ve hurt. God is also affected by our actions—but the good news is that God always forgives.
My hope and prayer is that your load feels lighter—and that you remember this truth:
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved, forgiven, or restored.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
—1 John 1:9
My hope and prayer is that your load feels lighter—and that you remember this truth:
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved, forgiven, or restored.
Download our free "Backpacks and Bricks Relationship Tool" for later!
Carolyn Dixon has been with ALCS since 2004 and counsels clients from our North Austin location. She is trained to counsel individuals, couples, and families with a range of issues including anxiety, loneliness, anger, grief and loss, parenting and family challenges, premarital and marital issues, and divorce recovery. Carolyn has a passion for strengthening marriages and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals, couples, and families. EFT is an intervention that is based on scientific study of adult love and bonding processes in couples. For more information about Carolyn's practice or to set up an appointment with Carolyn or another ALCS counselor, contact us today!