Help for Husbands: Loving Your Wife Well during Breast Cancer
During October, Kerry and Rachel have been sharing blogs about their personal experience with breast cancer this past year. This week, Kerry speaks to husbands about how to love their wives well during breast cancer. We hope you'll return for his final post later this month as he offers wisdom for sexual intimacy after breast cancer!
When it comes to loving your wife, I think most men would agree that it is somewhat of a mystery, with both successes and failures. You get encouraged and then discouraged, as what seems to make sense and work one day might not work the next day. This unpredictable cycle can lead to a lot of frustration and the urge to say, "I quit." But I think this is part of God's plan in marriage…to bring us to a place where we realize we will need help. And you will need help in loving your wife through cancer.
One of the greatest helps to me in loving Rachel through cancer was a hard lesson I learned from a difficult season much earlier in our marriage. Many years ago, Rachel and I had both wounded one another very deeply. My response to the pain I experienced from Rachel was distance and angry silence that lasted for months. This angry silence compounded the hurt she had experienced from me, heaping anxiety and rejection on top of pain. Her response to my angry silence was to retreat and withdraw to protect her heart, and as the weeks stretched on, her heart was buried further and further, to the point that she became numb. She would later describe her heart as cold and distant toward me. This culmination of hurts for both of us formed walls that were just stubborn and would not fall, and sometimes seemed to not even crack. Even once we began to move toward each other and there had been confession and forgiveness expressed, the painful emotions would not lift. We were both trying in different ways, and while we ultimately did see the cracks start to grow and the walls crumble, it was a prolonged season where we both felt degrees of hopelessness and helplessness. A time rich with opportunity to find strength outside of ourselves. And for me, a principle started to form that I would need in order to love Rachel well through cancer.
Though not a totally new thought or idea, the principle that gained clarity during that difficult season of emotional pain was that I was never meant to love Rachel alone. It was always supposed to be a Divine partnership. It took me back to when Jesus was confronted by an expert in the Law (Matthew 22:36-40) in order to trap him. The man asked, "What is the greatest commandment?" Jesus gave two. “Love God with your whole self (heart, mind, soul, and strength),” and “love your neighbor as yourself.” What started to take shape in my mind was that my rest in pursuing Rachel’s cold, distant heart was to go vertical first and then horizontal. I learned to start my days asking God, "How are we going to love her today? What will it look like? Where are my opportunities?” My peace at the end of the day was not to be based on movement in Rachel (which could lead to controlling efforts), but instead, how did I follow God's lead and believe He was working even if I couldn't see it.
Honestly, it is hard to love in the midst of your own pain, and if you are successful, you will have to ask new questions. My focus had to shift. How was my heart doing? Was I harboring resentment? Was I humble? Was I open to seeing my selfishness? Could I listen beyond her saying something that to me was wrong? My instinct was to correct her immediately with a defensive posture. Cut her off and shut her down. I had to learn to choose wisdom over angry reactions. To hold my intense emotions with a determination to speak with self-control and gentleness, instead of what I wanted to say and the way my anger wanted to say it. Again, it was hard. I got it wrong for sure, but there was a turn in my heart.
I still had to share the things that were important for me to communicate. This wasn't a posture of just pleasing her, and I wasn't to be a welcome mat. It was different. It was a willingness to enter into the messy parts of our relationship with hard emotions, but not let them rule. To allow awareness of them brought opportunities to love with them. For example, if I'm feeling angry, how does it look and sound to love well when I'm angry? Or frustrated? Or insecure? Or lonely? And especially when I feel rejected? In other words, the answer was not to stomp out the unwanted inevitable emotions, but to learn to lean in and love well with them.
All of these new questions reinforced that this Divine partnership with my Father was my hope. Where was He leading? He was up to something in me, regardless of what was happening in Rachel. He was stretching me and growing me. Becoming more like Christ took on a life beyond right behavior. I sought an inside-out change. Love in this partnership left me more as a conduit, a vessel where God's love could flow into me and out of me, changing me with the hope of her heart melting. More questions. Was I vulnerable with her? Was I speaking truth in love? Was I open to her, or was I closed and withdrawn? Was I willing to serve her? I came to see that faith expressed in love was not dependent on her and what I wanted from her. Instead, it was more about me and my relationship with God. What I couldn't control, I had to release every day.
Can you see how this was His training ground for me? You see, no one else had my unique position as her husband. I was it. And as I embraced this high call to love my wife when her heart was cold, I learned to trust God beyond my understanding and what seemed right or fair. I would need this truth, "go vertical to best go horizontal,” when it comes to loving well in difficult situations.
Cancer. It does not discriminate. It shows up and makes no sense. It was unexpected and shocking. In the midst of my own overwhelming emotions and confusion, I did know one thing. Loving Rachel in this season was the most important thing, and I felt it…that deep desire to wrap her with it. To cover her with it. To speak it. To write it down. I wanted to be with her in a way that brought her life while this disease wanted to take life. I was determined. I had experienced that deep peace in a season where I wanted to fix the situation, but couldn't. I had sharpened my ability to notice, to listen, to pray for Rachel in ways when I was facing my own weariness. I knew that place of desperately needing God to do something, but having to wait and instead take hope in what He was doing today. This had carried me before, and I knew I would need it to carry me again. This was going to be hard.
Loving well is not easily measured. It does not look the same for everyone…you might say it has to be customized. We all have ideas about love and have experienced it having a positive impact on people we deeply care about, but most us of have also learned that love isn't simply repeating something that worked in the past. It requires more of us. We have to invest more of ourselves to love well. Loving well today might be different than yesterday, and it might not even be the way you prefer to express love. There is a cost that goes with loving well, but the intimacy it produces is worth it.
As I share some of the ways that I loved my bride, I realize I don't know your bride and her story, or how cancer has specifically impacted her. When it comes to loving your wife, it has to start with knowing her. This may be a season where your intimate knowledge of her grows as you embrace that same determination I had. You might give more attention to her than you have before. Or be more alert to her and more focused on what you think is going on with her. You might ask more questions. And be more willing to enter hard conversations and tolerate your own difficult emotions so you can really listen and respond. Others of you may have already pursued this deep knowing of your bride, so you have a firm foundation to prepare for a deeper connection and walk together. Wherever you are entering this chapter of cancer, know that this disease, with its shadows of death, still offers many opportunities for life and love to pursue. We are imperfect, and you will get it wrong at times, but your efforts do matter. You are of great value to your bride, and she needs you.
One of the greatest helps to me in loving Rachel through cancer was a hard lesson I learned from a difficult season much earlier in our marriage. Many years ago, Rachel and I had both wounded one another very deeply. My response to the pain I experienced from Rachel was distance and angry silence that lasted for months. This angry silence compounded the hurt she had experienced from me, heaping anxiety and rejection on top of pain. Her response to my angry silence was to retreat and withdraw to protect her heart, and as the weeks stretched on, her heart was buried further and further, to the point that she became numb. She would later describe her heart as cold and distant toward me. This culmination of hurts for both of us formed walls that were just stubborn and would not fall, and sometimes seemed to not even crack. Even once we began to move toward each other and there had been confession and forgiveness expressed, the painful emotions would not lift. We were both trying in different ways, and while we ultimately did see the cracks start to grow and the walls crumble, it was a prolonged season where we both felt degrees of hopelessness and helplessness. A time rich with opportunity to find strength outside of ourselves. And for me, a principle started to form that I would need in order to love Rachel well through cancer.
Though not a totally new thought or idea, the principle that gained clarity during that difficult season of emotional pain was that I was never meant to love Rachel alone. It was always supposed to be a Divine partnership. It took me back to when Jesus was confronted by an expert in the Law (Matthew 22:36-40) in order to trap him. The man asked, "What is the greatest commandment?" Jesus gave two. “Love God with your whole self (heart, mind, soul, and strength),” and “love your neighbor as yourself.” What started to take shape in my mind was that my rest in pursuing Rachel’s cold, distant heart was to go vertical first and then horizontal. I learned to start my days asking God, "How are we going to love her today? What will it look like? Where are my opportunities?” My peace at the end of the day was not to be based on movement in Rachel (which could lead to controlling efforts), but instead, how did I follow God's lead and believe He was working even if I couldn't see it.
Honestly, it is hard to love in the midst of your own pain, and if you are successful, you will have to ask new questions. My focus had to shift. How was my heart doing? Was I harboring resentment? Was I humble? Was I open to seeing my selfishness? Could I listen beyond her saying something that to me was wrong? My instinct was to correct her immediately with a defensive posture. Cut her off and shut her down. I had to learn to choose wisdom over angry reactions. To hold my intense emotions with a determination to speak with self-control and gentleness, instead of what I wanted to say and the way my anger wanted to say it. Again, it was hard. I got it wrong for sure, but there was a turn in my heart.
I still had to share the things that were important for me to communicate. This wasn't a posture of just pleasing her, and I wasn't to be a welcome mat. It was different. It was a willingness to enter into the messy parts of our relationship with hard emotions, but not let them rule. To allow awareness of them brought opportunities to love with them. For example, if I'm feeling angry, how does it look and sound to love well when I'm angry? Or frustrated? Or insecure? Or lonely? And especially when I feel rejected? In other words, the answer was not to stomp out the unwanted inevitable emotions, but to learn to lean in and love well with them.
All of these new questions reinforced that this Divine partnership with my Father was my hope. Where was He leading? He was up to something in me, regardless of what was happening in Rachel. He was stretching me and growing me. Becoming more like Christ took on a life beyond right behavior. I sought an inside-out change. Love in this partnership left me more as a conduit, a vessel where God's love could flow into me and out of me, changing me with the hope of her heart melting. More questions. Was I vulnerable with her? Was I speaking truth in love? Was I open to her, or was I closed and withdrawn? Was I willing to serve her? I came to see that faith expressed in love was not dependent on her and what I wanted from her. Instead, it was more about me and my relationship with God. What I couldn't control, I had to release every day.
Can you see how this was His training ground for me? You see, no one else had my unique position as her husband. I was it. And as I embraced this high call to love my wife when her heart was cold, I learned to trust God beyond my understanding and what seemed right or fair. I would need this truth, "go vertical to best go horizontal,” when it comes to loving well in difficult situations.
Cancer. It does not discriminate. It shows up and makes no sense. It was unexpected and shocking. In the midst of my own overwhelming emotions and confusion, I did know one thing. Loving Rachel in this season was the most important thing, and I felt it…that deep desire to wrap her with it. To cover her with it. To speak it. To write it down. I wanted to be with her in a way that brought her life while this disease wanted to take life. I was determined. I had experienced that deep peace in a season where I wanted to fix the situation, but couldn't. I had sharpened my ability to notice, to listen, to pray for Rachel in ways when I was facing my own weariness. I knew that place of desperately needing God to do something, but having to wait and instead take hope in what He was doing today. This had carried me before, and I knew I would need it to carry me again. This was going to be hard.
Loving well is not easily measured. It does not look the same for everyone…you might say it has to be customized. We all have ideas about love and have experienced it having a positive impact on people we deeply care about, but most us of have also learned that love isn't simply repeating something that worked in the past. It requires more of us. We have to invest more of ourselves to love well. Loving well today might be different than yesterday, and it might not even be the way you prefer to express love. There is a cost that goes with loving well, but the intimacy it produces is worth it.
As I share some of the ways that I loved my bride, I realize I don't know your bride and her story, or how cancer has specifically impacted her. When it comes to loving your wife, it has to start with knowing her. This may be a season where your intimate knowledge of her grows as you embrace that same determination I had. You might give more attention to her than you have before. Or be more alert to her and more focused on what you think is going on with her. You might ask more questions. And be more willing to enter hard conversations and tolerate your own difficult emotions so you can really listen and respond. Others of you may have already pursued this deep knowing of your bride, so you have a firm foundation to prepare for a deeper connection and walk together. Wherever you are entering this chapter of cancer, know that this disease, with its shadows of death, still offers many opportunities for life and love to pursue. We are imperfect, and you will get it wrong at times, but your efforts do matter. You are of great value to your bride, and she needs you.
Be Present
I think the place we have to start is being present. She will need your presence physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you can, go to every appointment she has until she tells you she is ok to go alone. Practically, this allows you both to listen and ask questions, since this is all new and there is much information to absorb. Be close to her. Affection bonds us to one another, and what a great time for snuggles on the couch with reassuring touches and embraces. In my final blog, I will talk more about sexual closeness and cancer, but for us, sexual intimacy during the days leading up to Rachel’s surgery was important. We wanted that closeness, and the last time we had sex before her first surgery was extra special. Certainly, all of the above include being present emotionally, but be intentional to check in with her. Ask her how she is feeling. Share your emotions with her. Together, talk about fears and concerns. Allowing her to know your heart as you pursue hers will help her to feel close to you. And finally, connect spiritually. Come together in ways that you are already comfortable and build on those. Have spiritual conversations. Pray together. Share scriptures that are encouraging. Even if you have different beliefs around faith, look for ways to connect. Experience the aspects of faith that you share and use these to reassure one another that you are trusting God.
Express Your Love
Expressing love is so personal, both for the one giving and receiving. What have you learned about your spouse over the time you have known her? Start there and look for ways to tell her you love her. For example, Rachel loves cards. Early in our marriage, it would stress me out to write in a card because I felt so exposed and insecure putting words down. I am so glad this was an area of growth for me, taking the risk anyway and putting my heart out there in black and white. Shortly after her diagnosis, I bought sixty dollars' worth of cards. I took an hour gathering cards that would speak to what I anticipated she might face. Many I have now used, and some I still have for another day in this journey. Another way Rachel has felt loved is with flowers, and I wanted her to have beauty around her, so I tried to have flowers that she loved. It was important that cancer, something ugly, was not the focus. I wanted her to know she is beautiful, and this destructive disease does not get to determine her beauty. The flowers were a reflection of her beauty, not vice versa.
Serve Her
Guys, this is a season of service. It is a time to serve when you are mentally and emotionally prepared, as well as when you are weary and discouraged. In ways similar to infants, one of the most important expressions of your love in this season will be service. Your wife will have limitations, and your consistent willingness to step in and do the things needed with a good attitude will bring her life. You will get tired, but how you love when you are tired matters. There were many daily needs that Rachel had. For the first two weeks, serving Rachel meant managing her meals and prescription schedule, taking her to doctor visits, and supporting her during short walks around our back yard as she was able. It also meant helping her with her shower. For six weeks, she had to be showered, and I had to strip her drain twice a day. I logged the drainage and kept everything sterile to avoid any infections. Because of the drain, she couldn't dress or undress herself, so I helped each time. Some of her needs did change with her recovery and she did gradually regain her independence, but there remained many opportunities for me to say "I love you" with service.
Remind Her of Her Value and Beauty
One of cancer's assaults on women is their beauty. It strikes at both their physical attractiveness as well as their hearts, creating doubt and insecurity. This is an opportunity for you to speak to who your wife is as a person, as well as the reassurance of her beauty. Cancer does not get to take her beauty…champion that truth. Reflect over her identity and her character that you have seen during your life with her. Look into her eyes and tell her about her heart and how it has impacted you, or write it in a letter or card. She needs to know that who she is matters and is preserved, even if it might have some new expressions due to limitations from this disease. And put words to your admiration of her beauty. During her recovery, Rachel had to wear a surgical bra 24/7, and she mostly wore a big floppy flannel shirt because of its comfort and warmth, and needing something that buttoned down the front. It was not her most flattering outfit. But I still took the chance to see her, to flirt with her in the shower, and to talk about her curves and tell her how I looked forward to having sex again. She was desirable inside and out, and I wanted her to know it.
Laugh With Her
Perhaps one of the most important suggestions in this list is laughter. Laughter is the best medicine! I don't know the origin of that saying, but anyone who has gone through cancer knows it is true…or really anything related to suffering. Laughter lifts the spirit and reminds people of joy. Have you seen the movie, “The Bucket List?” It is a story of two terminally ill men with cancer who decide to create a bucket list of things to do before they die, and set out to mark each one off their list. One of the funniest moments is when Carter, played by Morgan Freeman, gets to mark off, "Laugh until I cry.” You need to see this movie. We didn't watch this movie during Rachel’s recovery, but we did watch many movies. Not the ones I would prefer, for sure. Instead, we watched so many rom-coms, or as I came to call them, “sh*t-coms,” that I lost count! It didn't matter. She needed something to make her laugh, and I wanted to be there with her.
Thankfully, Rachel would say that I loved her really well during her journey with cancer, and these were some of the ways I loved her. But loving your wife well is not a list someone gives you. Instead, it is one that you discover. It is ok not to know the right things to do or say, just know that you are the only husband she has, and your efforts matter. Your voice and actions have the power to bring her life in this valley that feels like death. Partner with God during this season…you will need His help. As husbands, we have this unique, powerful opportunity to love our wives when they need it most, and I hope you will do it well.
Thankfully, Rachel would say that I loved her really well during her journey with cancer, and these were some of the ways I loved her. But loving your wife well is not a list someone gives you. Instead, it is one that you discover. It is ok not to know the right things to do or say, just know that you are the only husband she has, and your efforts matter. Your voice and actions have the power to bring her life in this valley that feels like death. Partner with God during this season…you will need His help. As husbands, we have this unique, powerful opportunity to love our wives when they need it most, and I hope you will do it well.
Kerry is the founder and director of Abundant Life Counseling Services. He works with individuals on a wide range of issues, but specializes in marriage counseling, sex therapy, counseling for sexual addiction, affair recovery counseling, and counseling for same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria. Kerry counsels clients from our North Austin location. For more information about Kerry's practice, or to schedule an appointment with Kerry, call us today!
Posted in Blogs by Kerry