“You’re Not Hearing Me”: What Validation Really Means

One of the most common things I hear in the counseling room is some version of this sentence: “I just don’t feel like they hear me.”

Sometimes it’s said with frustration.
Other times, with sadness and desperation.
But the ache underneath is always the same: I want to feel understood. I want to know my experience matters to someone.

Whether we’re talking about a marriage, friendship, or family relationship, the longing to be heard is deep and universal. And yet, many of us struggle to give or receive that kind of understanding. Why is that?

First, let’s name something important: feeling heard isn’t the same as being agreed with.

Validation doesn’t mean someone sees the world exactly as you do—it means they’re willing to enter into your experience long enough to understand it.

When someone says, “I feel like you don’t hear me,” what they’re often really saying is:

• You’re not understanding the impact.
• You’re trying to fix it.
• You’re missing the emotion underneath my words.

Validation slows the moment down. It says, “I may not fully understand, but I care enough to try."

At its core, validation means acknowledging that someone’s feelings or experience makes sense—especially in light of their story.

It’s the difference between saying:

“You’re overreacting.”
“Calm down”
“If you just did this…”

and

“Given everything you’ve been carrying, I can see why that hit you so hard.”

Validation doesn’t mean we approve of every thought, behavior, or conclusion. It just means we’re willing to meet someone where they are—without minimizing, judging, or trying to fix.

When we don’t feel validated, we feel alone in our experience. We start to second-guess ourselves. We shut down. And in relationships, that creates emotional distance.

When someone truly listens—without interrupting, defending, or hijacking the conversation—something softens in us.

We stop bracing.
We stop spiraling.
We start to breathe again.

It makes us feel as if we are actually being understood and cared for. It allows us to lay down defensiveness, because we are no longer being rejected. Our opinion feels listened to and we begin to feel heard.

Most of us think we’re good listeners… until we really pay attention.

Active listening isn’t just nodding while you wait for your turn to speak. It’s a posture of curiosity, humility, and presence. Here are a few key pieces:

• Reflect what you hear. “What I hear you saying is…” helps the other person feel seen and gives them a chance to clarify if needed.
• Name the emotion. “That sounds frustrating/confusing/painful.” This helps people feel validated on a deeper level.
• Ask, don’t assume. “Can you help me understand more about what that felt like for you?”
• Watch your body language. Eye contact, an open posture, and a direct focus on the speaker all communicate safety and interest.

What doesn’t help? Interrupting, defending, problem-solving too quickly, or turning the conversation back to yourself.

The thing I see couples in conflict struggle with the most is defensiveness. It is easy to want to defend our actions or words. However, even if our words or actions had a reason (sometimes a justified one), that doesn’t negate the experience our partner is describing. There will be a time for explanation and defense later on, but first, we must make our partner feel heard, understood, and prioritized before they will be open to hearing our side.

Want to start practicing validation in your own life? Here are a few simple ways:

• Try saying: “What I hear you saying is…”  and finish the sentence based on the other person’s context—not your own.
• Follow it up with “Is that accurate? Would you add anything?”
• Ask: “Do you want my opinion, or just someone to sit with you right now?” This gives people a choice and lowers pressure on both sides.
• Work on emotion vocabulary by exploring various emotions and developing a language of emotions that goes beyond the base emotions of fear, anger, and sadness.

These small shifts can have a big impact on how safe and connected someone feels with you.

Every one of us wants to feel heard. Not just tolerated, not just “dealt with”—but understood.

Validation is one of the most powerful relational tools we have. It creates space for healing, growth, and trust. And when we offer it freely, we create the kind of connection that changes people—not because we solved their problems, but because we helped them feel a little less alone.

So the next time someone shares something vulnerable with you, try this:

Slow down.
Understand their perspective.
Communicate that understanding.
And just listen.